Emotions of a couple with cancer: Faced with this type of diagnosis, we will experience many emotions, sometimes feeling like we are soaring high and then suddenly falling.

This not only happens to the person with a cancer diagnosis but also to their environment, their family and of course also to their partner.

First of all, we need to understand How is that couple coping with a diagnosis?

If we say that the couple is united and there is support and solidarity to face the illness, we can interpret that there will be a shared burden, distributed to receive the support that the patient requires.

There are cases where reality is different, where there are conflicts or the relationship is unstable, and then a cancer diagnosis is suddenly presented. When this happens, it adds another layer of stress to the already existing problems. Proper emotional management for a couple with cancer will make all the difference in their cancer journey.

If the relationship is dysfunctional or lacks a solid foundation, problems may begin to escalate and other issues may arise. In these cases, the patient may not feel supported by their partner, adding stress which involves detecting that the spouse is disengaging from the situation or does not provide the expected help.

Whether the relationship is functional or dysfunctional There is always the capacity to generate change; studies indicate that a diagnosis can strengthen a relationship or, quite the opposite..

The most common emotions experienced by a couple with a cancer diagnosis are:

Emotions: Fear and Anxiety

Fear of disease progression, treatment effects, or even the possibility of loss.

This is experienced differently by both the patient and their partner. The patient's partner often tends to repress these fears because they feel they must be the support of the sick person; they don't allow themselves to express these feelings because they feel that the patient—their partner—needs their strength. These fears begin to be hidden and are not addressed.

Experiencing sadness and grief as a couple:

Pain due to loss of health, changes in routine or in roles within the relationship.

For example: Activities that were previously done as a couple, such as going out, running, or cycling, now change because of the diagnosis. This creates a sense of loss due to the lack of these enjoyable activities.

It's important to remember that these activities aren't lost, but rather that the fear of loss and the grief experienced can make them seem like activities that are no longer viable and must be abandoned. It's crucial to remember that you don't necessarily have to give up everything you want to do; you can continue doing things, always in a different way. In this process, if you support each other as a couple, you become a network of support. Some things will change, but remember that you are an individual who can continue with your purpose and lifestyle without neglecting the person you are supporting.

Let us always remember that the proper management of the emotions of a couple with cancer will make a difference in their cancer process.

Facing Anger and Frustration as a Couple

Feelings of helplessness or anger about the situation. These feelings can generate a lot of frustration. Wanting your partner to feel calm and happy, but sometimes feeling frustrated because you see them sad and down, not knowing what to do to boost their positivity, and that's where the frustration comes in.

It's important to remember that all these emotions are valid, but how we manage them is vital. How will I, as a support network, cope, and how will the person experiencing the illness perceive it?

We often focus only on what we say and not on what we leave unsaid: silence and nonverbal communication are important, and sometimes the person with the diagnosis becomes hypervigilant to certain behaviors and our reactions. We may communicate with our voice that we are fine, but our body language may show that we are depressed; we must pay attention to this. Proper emotional management in a relationship with cancer is vital.

The Feeling of Guilt:

This feeling is shared and carries a heavy burden for the caregiver, stemming from the feeling of not doing enough, and for the person diagnosed with cancer, it can lead to feelings of guilt for being a burden to their partner.

Guilt needs to be managed because there are rational and irrational kinds of guilt. If we are proactive and independent people and suddenly become dependent on someone else for care and attention, we begin to feel like a burden. We must remember that this is a process, and that if my partner were the one who needed that help, I would provide it. We need to learn how to manage this guilt so that it doesn't become an emotional burden; we need to know how to handle these emotions.

Living as a Couple: Hope and Resilience

Despite the difficult times, many couples find new ways to connect and discover strengths within their relationship. The diagnosis itself can bring a couple much closer, allowing them to find support and resilience in each other. Conversely, it can be a process that helps me make decisions when I realize my partner isn't the way I need or expect them to be.

The patient's partner or caregiver must remember that they are just as important as the patient. Sometimes the partner or caregiver prioritizes the patient, and that's appropriate, but we also have the right to ask for help, the right to say, "I'm tired," "I don't know what to do," "I'm scared."
Your suffering is not secondary.You have the right to be well and to ask for the support you need.

Some thoughts may arise during this process:

• HOW AM I GOING TO EAT THIS IF SHE CAN'T? HOW AM I GOING TO EXERCISE IF SHE'S WEAK?

Sometimes that support isn't about giving up on things because the patient can't; it's about finding that balance of choosing times when I can do the things I enjoy. We are individuals who continue with our lives but are looking for ways to support the other person.

• Being supportive often leads us to become caregivers, even to the point of overprotection. This can create conflicts; we must find a balance.

Main challenges during treatment

• Changes in roles
• Adaptation mechanism
• Chores, childcare, protective role, decision-making, initiative, channeling emotions.
• The Importance of Self-Care. Both the patient and the caregiver need these spaces. Spaces where time is taken to do things focused on having a break from the role of caregiver.

There will always be a change. The person who receives a diagnosis will implicitly assume the role of both patient and caregiver. The caregiver will provide more care and, in their role, will always be focused on the patient's attention and well-being.

It's important to talk with your partner to define what you can and can't do, and when to seek help. Dialogue is crucial for defining how to manage new roles and avoiding serious conflicts that could strain the relationship.

Life project

When faced with a cancer diagnosis, life plans sometimes need to be put on hold or modified: trips, outings, shopping. Small projects like vacations or future plans like growing old together.

Given this new reality, it is necessary to modify these projects; they do not necessarily have to stop, but we put them on hold or rebuild them.

There will be a shift in priorities: It won't be about that outing or that trip anymore, but about finding the treatments, that specialist, that clinic. It won't be about saving for that trip or that car anymore, but about focusing on the priority need, which is, of course, the person with the diagnosis.

Another important issue that sometimes arises is fertility or disability. For some couples, having children was a long-planned goal, part of their self-realization.

Sometimes, faced with this new situation, the plan to have children is canceled due to illness or loss of fertility. This change can have an impact, but that's where spaces for conversation as a couple can be created, where together they can find alternatives or other ways to carry out life plans, always understanding that things will change and reflecting on the future from the new reality.

Having a clear understanding of my present situation and how it relates to my future, but starting from my current present.

Strategies for maintaining communication in difficult times:

• EXPRESSING EMOTIONS AND NEEDS EFFECTIVELY
• It can be a complex issue, to make it easier: SPEAK FROM WHAT WE FEEL, without blaming the other person or assuming what they think or feel.
• Taking the time to RECOGNIZE AND ACCEPT WHAT OUR PARTNER FEELS
• It is essential to communicate at the RIGHT TIME, with a greater willingness to listen and understand (not tired or stressed).

Active listening as a key to strengthening the relationship

• Listening is a fundamental part of communication.
• NOT ONLY HEAR what the other person is saying, but REALLY PAY ATTENTION to what they are expressing, showing interest and without interrupting them.
• For ACTIVE LISTENING IT IS NECESSARY NOT TO JUDGE, to accept the opinions and feelings of the other WITHOUT CRITICIZING THEM.
• ONE STRATEGY IS TO PARAPHRASE, to repeat in our own words what we have understood to make sure we are on the same page.

Strengthen the emotional connection during the process

• Share enjoyable activities: find moments to enjoy together, even if they are small.
• Expressing gratitude: acknowledging the other person's efforts and showing appreciation.
• Maintain intimacy: find ways of emotional and physical connection that suit the circumstances.

If you would like emotional support through an appointment with our psychologist, please do not hesitate to contact us. sending us a message

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